We went down today to burn joss paper. A few other residents were doing the same. I watched the red candles being lit, and the food laid out on paper. Mum handed me a few joss sticks for praying. The sky verged between dusk and night. The fire came to life, and devoured the money offerings we had to give. No one spoke. The spirits were with us. The flames grew higher and higher, and I wondered, will I be doing this ten years later? I had a funny feeling when it ended. Everyone was calm as they said their last words of prayer before leaving. Gone, gone, but we will remember you. A rush of hot air flew in my direction, sending a propulsion of grey ashes from the braziers into the darkening sky to fulfil their spiritual purposes.
All my life is built around my naive belief that one day I would smile just because I am happy. Do you ask yourself that? That when you are happy is it for someone or is it for yourself? But those smiles won't last. Happiness must come from happiness, like light from the sun, like how leaves eventually return to the earth.
In actual fact, I've known who I am since a long time ago. No one made me who I am, and no one needs to know who I am. That's why I won't try to be someone else. It's all I have, all I have. Have you seen the way space contorts around you, stretching, splitting, until the familiar becomes foreign, until safety is superseded by fear? You don't have to. You don't need to. The world will save you and others but some are not under its scheme.
Sometimes I don't know why I wish for you. I don't know why I even wish. Am I allowed to? Just once, I thought, just once I could have someone that wouldn't leave me. Silly me.
Run back now. Find your way. If you're lost then you're only lucky.
What is the meaning of meaning? I asked myself many times but the answer evades me like a playful butterfly, but how beautiful it is, how free.
a little farther
7:35 PM
Saturday, August 13, 2011